A good friend of mine—we’ll call him “Larry the 330ti Guy”—recently sent me an email with the subject line of “Turtle Burgers!” Before even opening the note, my gut reaction was, “Why do I want to eat turtle meat… And where can I buy it?” It didn’t exactly sound appealing, but having never tried turtle before, I was up to give it a try.
As it turns out, no turtles were hurt in the making of these burgers. A couple of cows and pigs didn’t fare so well, however. I was a bit disappointed to see that they only looked like turtles, but that frown quickly turned upside down when I realized there was not only copious amounts of ground beef involved, but also hot dogs and a solid portion of bacon. My heart immediately slowed down just with the thought of eating one of these blood thickeners.
I had “Larry the 330ti Guy” send over the recipe ASAP so I could share this horribly good creation with the rest of the world. As it turns out, they already existed and I had simply never heard of them. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to share his recipe, though.
They’re very simple to make and even a bit of fun. This is what you’ll need for each turtle burger:
- 2 third-pound beef patties
- 2 hot dogs (regular size)
- 8 slices of bacon (Yes, eight!)
Preheat your oven to 400° while prepping the ingredients.
Arrange your 8 slices of bacon in a four-by-four interwoven grid and then set the first burger patty on top of the grid o’ bacon. Cut the hot dogs into three pieces each, four of them for the legs and the other two for the head and tail. You can even cut slits on the tips of the four leg pieces to look like turtle paws if you want to class it up a bit. If you really want to push the envelope of health versus deliciousness you can also put your favorite cheese in the middle.
Arrange the hot dog appendages on top of the first patty and then place your second patty on top. Pull the bacon up from the sides and over the top to create the top of the shell and your turtle is ready for some heat! (You’ll probably need to move the bacon around a little bit in order to let the appendages through.)
Place your turtle(s) on a grated rack if possible, to allow at least some of the heart-stopping fat to drip off, and place in the oven for about 30-45 minutes depending on your oven and how you like your meat cooked. While you’re waiting, go ahead and make sure your phone is charged up with your cardiologist set on speed dial.
Special thanks to Leroy (AKA “Larry the 330ti Guy”) and Line R for the recipe and photos.